it took me quite a long time to realize that the only thing that has ever been important to me are stories.
stories are always there.
they always comfort you.
they always teach you something.
they make life worth living.
My Life Story
ok so this is only a part of my life story.
i was a quiet, introspective kid. very mature and i enjoyed spending time alone, and somewhere along the line, people gave up on me, and said, ‘fine, let her be alone.’
this happened to be at the exact time that i needed people the most, but with my poor social skills, i had no idea how to reach out. i had four busy parents (divorces ftw) who were all working their asses off to give us a good life. i had a brother who was a star at everything he did, and he did everything. and then there was me, holed up in my room, reading a book.
i don’t blame anyone.
i didn’t ask for help. if i had stood up at the kitchen table and said ‘HEY MOM i can’t figure out why i’m so sad’ i’m sure she would have helped me. did i mention i was also a very stubborn child? i figured i could solve all my own problems, be my own best friend, live my own life… at 13.
i felt impossibly alone, and it was stories that kept me company, words that comforted my soul, philosophy that grew my brain.
stories were an addiction.
my emotions would get so wrenched up in buffy the vampire slayer that i have a physical pain reaction whenever i see certain scenes to this day.
an addiction
i pile more books than i can possibly read around my bed and my house because i just like to have them near. i like to look at them and it’s a visual cue to the peace i would find within them.
an addiction
my laptop is full of movies and tv shows that would take me an entire month to actually watch. but i want them. i want them near.
an addiction
at a young age i quickly dismissed the idea of being a writer. that’s like acting, playing sports, careers that never happen for the average person. i didn’t even let myself dream it.
so i went into politics.
i am most happy in politics when i am telling stories. when i’m rounding the edges off truth to make the idea flow better. when i am designing a candidate to fill a need for an audience. when i am judging leaders like i would judge heroes in a book.
this has led me to be accused of being callous, as i do not care who comes out on top. left right poor rich…we need it all for a good story. the best stories always leave you confused about who the real villain was.
but it has also helped me, because i can see all sides of the story, so i am not so quick to judge based on limited details.
yeah but this is no way to live your life.
there was seriously a time where i wanted to hang out with maxwell smart more than i wanted to hang out with real people.
i’d make my mom tell my friends i wasn’t allowed to go out, so i could sit in her bed and watch Get Smart.
my social skills are so messed up. that is my Achilles heel.
cause in stories, you can rewrite dialogue, edit, delete, expand, cut back. you can make yourself wink when you can’t actually wink in real life. i’d kill for the ability to wink in real life.
so after this terrible day i had today, when i was forcefully stuck out in reality, relying on my wits and my ability to speak in complete sentences, well, i’ll go home and tell myself a story.
i don’t know what kind of story.
maybe it will be about Ianto Jones, the man who didn’t give up and got the job.
maybe it will be about Father Cunnagh, the shy priest who is also happier lost in his books, until he meets Angie and his whole world has to change.
maybe it will be about jayne, and how fate forced her hand and changed the course of her life forever.
or maybe it will be someone else’s story. 
it’s messed up. it’s not right.
i need friends and community and reality and a job and family and clean dishes.
these are the things that are important. but maybe i’m not grown up enough yet. maybe i’m still too fragile for the real world.
maybe stories are my trade. maybe there’s a way for me to achieve my goals, through stories.
the only thing that i’m sure of? is that stories are always here when i need them. no one can ever take them away from me. and that stories never end.
